Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Revelation at Church during worship time on Sunday: 

I've been struggling w/ fear about having this 3rd baby and if I even remember how to have a baby around 24/7...  how to swaddle a baby, to understand her cries, to be up at all hours (though I do that now), will I be able to breast-feed, will I be 'the mom I am suppose to be' by society's standards, and the list of fears goes on. 

And this is what was pressed upon me during worship: I experience fear when I am trying to take control in a situation where I am not in control. If I realize that I am not the one to be in the spot of control and release that to God THEN He will grant me peace for I've let go of the struggle for control. 

This came back to mind today as the end of this pregnancy is drawing near. This pregnancy has not at all been what I imagined it to be. When I was pregnant w/ my daughter, around the 3rd month we had been told that we had lost the child. Given a 99.9% chance of survival. But God proved them wrong, and graciously granted me a wonderful pregnancy from that point on. I in fact loved being pregnant. She had to spend a week in the hospital after she was born at 4 lbs 12 ounces, four weeks early. That was one of the hardest weeks of my life. My son was born 2 weeks early and also had to stay in the hospital for one week after being born 7 lbs even. That time it was even harder. Had a child at home, child in the hospital, and thoughts of 'what is wrong w/ me why can't I bring babies home right after they are born?' clouded my mind. 

So, w/ this being my third and last pregnancy, I had these great thoughts. I was older now. I knew more of what I personally wanted during my pregnancy. I was going to have a midwife. I was going to exercise hardcore the entire pregnancy. I was going to have tons of energy (ok, I do think I hit my head on that one... I mean I HAVE been pregnant before). But you get the idea. But no. This pregnancy I spent the first 16 weeks throwing up, then finding out there was a problem w/ our little girl's heart, then hearing how AWESOME God is by closing her hole, then moved from the midwife clinic to the High Risk clinic w/ the hospital (which has turned out to be a huge blessing), then struggling w/ partial bed rest, high blood pressure, headaches, seeing spots, not having energy, not being able to serve those who are close to me the way I want to.... and now having to have steroid shots to help the baby's lungs develop in case she comes in the next couple of weeks. 

But in all these disappoints I question myself , "why did I have these expectations?" And the truth is... being totally honest... Image. A girlfriend of mine this past week, hit that on the head. The struggle to maintain an image. I'm in control. I can do such and such on my own. I have it together and life is easy. Bologna! That's non-sense. When did I start buying into that junk?! I know, oh too well, that I can do nothing on my own. I am NOT in control. I do NOT have it together. And in no way is life easy or comfortable. 

My prayer now is to rest in the knowledge of the God I serve. To allow the head knowledge to guide my emotions... not my emotions guide my knowledge of God. 

My God defines my circumstances not the other way around. 

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